The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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