i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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