I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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