I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
