does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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