Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
