i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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