new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
