I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
