I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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