I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
