Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
