Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
