Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
