the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
