STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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