I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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