I cannot find my penis.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
What a dumb baby whore.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
