dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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