It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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