i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
