I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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