the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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