I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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