I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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