I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
