So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
