cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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