Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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