how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
