and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
