Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I have demons in me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
