New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
