So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
