she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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