:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
