Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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