there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
