Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
