My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
