# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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