In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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