I wish I could punch you in the face.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
