Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
