After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
