please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.