it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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