I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
