Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sarcasm needs its own font
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
