When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize