Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
