i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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