I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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