You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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