I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
