did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
