Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
