Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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