ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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