I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
