i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Never joke about your clitoris.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
